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Somehow their politicization has begun to seem cartoonish, filled with performance and self-congratulation. But it wasn’t only on election night that translating experience felt so fraught.Communication is necessary for any healthy relationship, and in an interracial relationship it’s paramount.There are, in my relationships with white men, so many moments like that.No matter how close I held the mirror up to their faces, sometimes their good and liberal wells of understanding and compassion were simply inaccessible.Every white man I’ve dated has, sometimes consciously and sometimes not, asked me to explain to them some aspect of blackness.“Can I say the N-word if I’m singing along to a song? ” (I don’t know dude, I ask myself the same question every goddamn day.) I know that I shouldn’t feel compelled to always speak for my race, but I can’t expect a white boyfriend to stop asking some of those questions if we’re to come to a mutual understanding.

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It’s an odd thing to then go back to my date and continue the performance of “getting to know you.” I fantasize about walking up to him and saying, “Gotta go!

I lost count of the times my boyfriend in my late 20s would tell me to “just leave” parties or social events when I complained of being the only person of color in his all-white friend group.

Even more hurtful was the night he and I were standing outside a bar in Bushwick and someone we both knew started making racist comments.

In those moments, I’ve wished to be sitting in front of someone who could relate.

Despite knowing I can feel intimacy with white guys, right now what divides us feels like a chasm.

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